You Learn Something New (about yourself) Every Day!

Today was a day in which I learned more about myself and about this grief process. I had an experience that showed me where I am in the process. In some ways, I am farther along than I thought, and in others, not as far as I would like to be. Today, I was struck hard by how much my life has changed since a couple years ago and how much I miss David. I realize nothing will bring him back and no one will ever replace him. Knowing this in my head for nearly 12 months and being struck so hard on a purely emotional level today, are entirely different things. I know the time will come when there is another person in my life, but I don't know that I am quite ready for it now.

I have learned there are some of the same things that I will look for that I did before... 15 years ago when I first started dating David, and some things that are different now in my circumstances which necessitate some different preferred characteristics. I will always love David and that will be intimidating to any potential suitor, I imagine. There is a huge difference between someone who is divorced who feels some control, perhaps, over their change in marital status and someone who has been widowed, who feels that the entire situation is and was completely beyond their control. Both people feel loss and grief, but the situations are a little different.

Right now, as the boys and I approach not only what would have been David's and my 13th anniversary on Monday, but also the first anniversary of his death, I again feel so amazed by the people who are still at our sides, grieving right with us. There are friends, as I expected, who have come and gone over the year and some who have never wavered in their support. I am so grateful and I am so thrilled to have all of our friends and family support us in so many ways.

I had a couple friends say to me today how strong and tough I have been and how proud they are of me. I can never hear this enough, it seems, because someone says it to me just at a time when I am doubting myself. I have Anne Murray's song, "I Am Woman" on my Ipod, just so I can sing (loudly) to it whenever I need a little boost. (Here is a little secret of mine: I used to stand on the hearth as a kid, hairbrush in hand, and sing that song at the top of my lungs. Little did I know what that song would come to mean to me as an adult!)

Never more than today have I felt that the boys and I can handle whatever the coming years will bring, whether we face them alone or with another person in our family.

Thanks again for the love and prayers! Please take a moment on August 9 to give thanks that we had David in our lives. I know I will!

So This Is Summer

Well, we have had some blissfully mild days this past week or so. I had the A/C of for about 5 days straight, my electric bill will love me for it. Is has been nice to sleep with the windows open and hear the night noises.

I worked, doing First Steps (Kentucky's early intervention program for kids aged birth to 3 years with disabilities) meetings Monday and Friday and meeting on Tuesday and Thursday to place kids in the JCPS preschool program. I enjoyed seeing some of my work buddies and catching up on each others busy summers. I filled them in on the drama and excitement that seems to be my life lately. (Among other things, my grandmother's death so soon after diagnosis.) My mom and dad were with her for the week before she died (they left Wednesday and she died Thursday morning about 3:15). She was ready to go, it seems, and she had more than completed her "bucket list". She had an amazing life and I have very fond memories of times spent with her.

We have just about 3 weeks left before I go back to work. About this time every summer, I look back on things we did and I am so glad that this summer, which could have been very difficult and awful, has been a good summer. I know it isn't over and we haven't reached the day that could be the hardest of all, but I have been so surrounded by such love and support and kept busy enough, that we are all doing pretty well. We have been on a couple trips, been to the pool a lot, had many opportunities to socialize with and get to know even better some friends from school, church and our awesome neighborhood.


Davey spent the week with my mom and dad, since I was working so much. He will do the same between when I go back to work and when school starts for him. He had a lot of fun seeing 2 plays ("Schoolhouse Rock" and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"), made a boat out of recyclables, made many neat things (pins, magnets, etc.) from Super Sculpy clay and helped harvest veggies (and eat them) from DadDad's garden. It was nice to get time with only Max, since usually I get one on one time with Davey either when Max is at school or after Max goes to sleep. We played a lot of cars, trains and CandyLand and read some good bedtime stories. Davey called and read bedtime stories to me over the phone each night. It was so sweet! He missed us, especially his little brother, but within the first hour after he arrived home, the main interest was the Wii.

Next week, we will spend more time with friends, I will work one day and we may get to the YMCA water park. Since last time we went (last summer), Davey has practiced swimming (he still keeps his face out of the water, but he can actually move forward!) and we have been to Great Wolf Lodge twice, so I think we will have more fun that we had last summer.

I am still so grateful for all the friends who have had the opportunity to help me negotiate all the stuff that goes with widowhood, single parenthood and grief. To all of you, I owe you BIG TIME!!! I value your advice and unwavering support!

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"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us."
- Epicurus -Greek philosopher

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
- Woodrow Wilson

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
- Mark Twain

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
- Helen Keller

Here We Go Again...

We had both good and bad this week...

GOOD-
We went to Chicago with Sherri and J.T. from Wednesday to Friday. We left after Davey's golf clinic Wed. morning and drove to The Palmer House (what a neat, historic hotel- I highly recommend using Hotwire to find a hotel anytime you are going on a trip. You can request only 4 and 5 star hotels in a certain area of the city and a great price!). We went to a little place close to the hotel for Chicago-style pizza and then back to the hotel for a restful night. The next morning, we got up and had McDonalds for breakfast (the boys didn't really know much about it, since we only go there about 3 times a year) and then on to the Museum of Science and Industry via bus. It was packed, but our driver was so great- awesome attitude! We got there a little after our ticketed time, but that was just fine. We saw all the Harry Potter "stuff"- Davey and Max even recognized a bit, since J.T. had introduced them to the HP phenomenon on the drive up, with help from a showing of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in the car. After the exhibit, we decided we should see what else there was there. We "drove" a combine, learned about cow milking and birthing (eeww!) and made a personalized gyroscope in the ToyMaker 3000 exhibit (http://www.msichicago.org/whats-here/exhibits/toymaker/). When we were suitably exhausted (Max fell asleep while we waited for the bus back to the hotel), we went back and regrouped enough to figure out how best to get to Navy Pier. Unfortunately, the gentleman giving directions was a bit off on how long it takes to go via subway. The 3 boys really wanted to go on the subway, so, being loving Mommies, we caved. It took an hour to get to Navy Pier because you ride 2 stops and then walk about 12 blocks. Oh, well, we ate a yummo dinner at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. and then went to ride the Ferris wheel. It was neat to be able to share stories with the boys about David's and my trip to Chicago in 2006 for our 10th anniversary. They all enjoyed the Ferris wheel- Davey says it was the best part of the trip. Back to the hotel (via bus, this time. Same price as the subway, but took us from the pier to 1/2 block from the hotel. A MUCH better method!) Quick bath, to bed and ready for the next morning. Breakfast at Corner Cafe- delish summer fruit and nut oatmeal, spectacular french toast, happy boys! Then check out of the hotel and drive to the Shedd Aquarium. Another great experience! They just reopened the Oceanarium in late May after being closed (and animals "on vacation" in Mystic, CT for 9 months)- now it is LEED certified (very "green") and houses sea lions, dolphins, otters and pygmy belugas. They do a training show/ run through for their new show opening in a few weeks twice each day. We happened to be there when they were getting ready to do one, so we lined up and watched. Again, Max fell asleep while we were waiting, but woke up shortly after we sat down and the show was being introduced. He missed the long wait (and my contorting in an attempt to keep him comfortable) and got to see the show. We saw a few more exhibits and then began our 5 hour drive back to Louisville. We pulled into the driveway a little after midnight.

BAD-
his past week, my grandmother (85 and typically described by people who meet her as "spunky", "hip" or "wild") had a procedure to remove fluid from her chest (fluid due to congestive heart failure). The pathology reports on the fluid showed stage 3B cancer (we hear this is worse than stage 4). She has endured her husband having chemo in 1988 (I think), her son-in-law and grandson-in-law battle cancer and all lost the fight. She has decided not to have any treatment and has nor begun refusing treatment for pneumonia. She is likely going to leave the hospital and move to a place where she can receive the medical care she needs or go back home with full time nursing care. Either way, the next weeks will be rough and require spontaneity on the part of the family in KY, TN, TX, NC, SC, and FL. With the beginning of school coming for Davey, J.T. and me, many of us will have to be prepared to fly (or drive) to Tampa quickly.

The cousins enjoyed each other and I am so glad they have had such opportunities to see each other so much in the past year (this makes the fifth time since August!)

Have a spectacular week and please pray for doctors, patients and caregivers!

Time for BED!!!!

Wipeout

I don't know if any of you watch "Wipeout" on ABC on Wednesday nights, but it is a must see at our house! I find it funny that the boys are so into the show and the belly laughs in response to the wipeouts. Today, I went to see what the kids were playing at our friends' house and Josie and Davey were planning and then going through a course with platforms, unsteady pieces of furniture and "Big Balls". Not to be outdone by his older brother, I went down to the basement and Max had created an obstacle course based on "Wipeout" and the Little People were competing for the top prize. He explained to me every step of the course and what the Little People had to do to advance to the next stage. It was very funny! I guess it could be worse, after all there are worse things on that kids see.... SpongeBob, for example. This summer, the only TV they have watched has consisted of the occasional "Magic School Bus", Wimbledon and the weekly "Wipeout". I attribute this to the addition of Goliath to our family.

Ahhh..... Summer

We are enjoying our summer. A lot of time spent with friends from church at the pool or in backyards grilling out. We are blessed with many people in our lives who must either like us a lot or feel sorry for us (tee hee) because we have had a very wonderfully busy past week. Between friends here in the neighborhood and friends from St. Margaret Mary, we have enjoyed many evenings of perfect weather, awesome company and yummy food on porches, decks and lawns.

Davey and Max are turning into blond pool bums (Davey even is learning a few rudimentary swimming skills, despite asking emphatically, "But WHY do I need to learn to swim?"). Davey also is learning a bit of golf at his Wednesday morning golf clinic. Max wants to do everything his big brother does, so there are a great many attempts at the monkey bars and trapeze bar on the backyard swingset, paired with "Mommy! Look at me!"

I just had a great phone conversation with my (awesome) mom. She has discovered Facebook, as so many have. It is so fun to see her having such a good time with it. I love having a mom who is also my best friend! We have fun together and have good chats about nothing, like friends so often do, just because we like talking to each other.

I hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy some peaceful summertime activities with people they love. This is what makes life enjoyable and what makes all the "not so pleasant" stuff that is also part of life worth putting up with. Thank goodness, with the summer about half over, there are still a few things planned to look forward to: a couple theatre excursions, a trip to Chicago for the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry with Sherri and J.T., a few books in the "to read" stack and more things that we don't even know about yet.

I wonder what the holiday weekend has in store for us....

Summer Fun!

This week has been full of lots of things. In the past week, we:

1. Took Goliath to spend Fathers' Day with my parents (sweat a lot at a reception for the retiring Bishop of the Diocese of Owensboro, KY and at a BG HotRods - minor league baseball- game and while walking down to my dad's garden to harvest peas and blackberries).

2. Returned home to our hot house (no A/C since last Wed.) and slept in the basement to try to keep cool. It was cooler, but very humid! The A/C system was new in Sept., 2006 and replaced the original system for our 41 year old house. After much time, "discussion" with the A/C company here that installed it and $1600, we have a working system again. I feel like I was over a barrel, since we chose a Lennox system after much research on David's part and now I am stuck because this company is the only Lennox dealer in town and the part needed (NOT the labor or the 11 pounds of freon I needed TWICE, just the part) was covered by warranty, so they were the people who needed to do the work. I had the support of a couple of my "guardian angels", Ann and John Hancock, who came and helped me talk to the company and try to understand why it was supposedly fixed on Monday, but Tuesday morning, it was still 82 degrees in the house. Also, I learned that the new systems (including any system installed from now on) will use the 410-A freon, which is $30 per pound now, but will decrease in price as it becomes the standard in 2010.

3. To avoid our hot house, after our dentist appointments Monday morning, we went to meet a friend for lunch at Sonic and then over to see "Up". We all enjoyed it, I think.

4. Vacation Bible School was each evening this week from 6 to 8:30. That made for grumpy boys when I tried to wake them up at 7:30 to start a new day, or, as was the case on Tuesday, to jump into the car to chase an escaped beagle into a neighboring subdivision, only to give up and 30 minutes later hear Davey yell, "Mommy, he's back!" Goliath's escape route has been sealed, but we are not taking any chances and when he is outside alone, he is on 48' of chain.

5. VBS has been fun, inspiring and tiring. Davey is a Big Kid now, so he is in a different group than Max and I. This was Max's first year to be old enough to participate. Much better than last year, since I didn't have to spend the week in the oncology unit with a re-diagnosis of lymphoma. The boys got into the Bible stories and the music. Lots of awesome and supportive friends there, too.

6. Davey began golf clinic on Wednesday. If he decides this is something he likes, he wants a set of clubs for his birthday and he can join the golf team at school in a couple years.

7. I met a gal this week who had heard I was a widow and told me she was, too. Her husband committed suicide 4 years ago, when their son was 15 months old. She could really speak from experience about what I live daily. She and I compared stories and she shared her joy with getting remarried 3 weeks ago and her (new) husband has adopted her son. She told me to call her anytime I need an ear. God puts people in our lives to help us; in my case, MANY, MANY people!

We have had a busy week this week and I am thinking next week will seem boring by comparison! That's OK, really. Some time at the YMCA water park, a haircut and lunch with a friend and Independence Day... where did June go!?!!?!?

Please continue to pray for my dear friend, Tena and her family as they battle her dad's very aggressive thyroid cancer. They need strength and prayers.

Goliath- Take 2

Yesterday, I collected the boys (Davey has been doing a YMCA day camp this week which he LOVES!!) and we headed out on a trip to an undisclosed location. As we crossed the Ohio River into Indiana, they said, "Hey, Mommy, were are we going?"

"To Indiana."

"Why?"

"Because I need to go to a store up here."

So as we pulled into the parking lot, they acted very confused. We walked into PetSmart and the foster mom met us there. The boys had a blast playing with Bagel the beagle, who we have rechristened Goliath. We brought him back over the river to his new home. Traffic was yucky, since it was rush hour, but Goliath climbed from the back with the boys to settle into the seat next to me in the front, looking out the window and laying down to relax.

This morning, after a night in his crate, he was ready to play and see the boys. When we left to drop the boys off, I put him out in the back yard, after ensuring that the gates were securely closed. When I returned, Goliath was nowhere to be found. I got back in the car with his favorite squeaky toy, a rubber wine bottle, and was leaning out the window squeaking away. Before I even reached the next door neighbor's driveway, Goliath came bounding over to me. We came in the house and all is now well. He is snoring away in his crate (door open, he just really likes his bed!).

The other excitement around here is our A/C unit. Before our vacation, I noticed there was a message on the screen of the thermostat saying it needed a system check-up. I called and arranged for them to come when it was convenient for me (after vacation and the professional development I was attending on Mon. and Tues. this week. Little did I know how bad it was. There is a leak associated with the coil. The part is under warranty, but the labor and 11 pounds of freon are not. So, after $192 yesterday there will be an additional $725 to be paid for the completion of the job on Monday. Between vacation expenses and nearly $1000 for the A/C, we will be trying to find cheap entertainment for awhile!!! It was 80 degrees in our house last night, even with the windows open. The boys were OK and I slept without covers, but tonight, I think we will be in the basement on the futon!

Thanks for all the positive, supportive comments from so many people. I don't think I am all that "amazing" or "inspirational", but it is nice to know that people enjoy and find comfort in my ramblings.

My best to all of my "readers"!