Ahhh..... Summer

We are enjoying our summer. A lot of time spent with friends from church at the pool or in backyards grilling out. We are blessed with many people in our lives who must either like us a lot or feel sorry for us (tee hee) because we have had a very wonderfully busy past week. Between friends here in the neighborhood and friends from St. Margaret Mary, we have enjoyed many evenings of perfect weather, awesome company and yummy food on porches, decks and lawns.

Davey and Max are turning into blond pool bums (Davey even is learning a few rudimentary swimming skills, despite asking emphatically, "But WHY do I need to learn to swim?"). Davey also is learning a bit of golf at his Wednesday morning golf clinic. Max wants to do everything his big brother does, so there are a great many attempts at the monkey bars and trapeze bar on the backyard swingset, paired with "Mommy! Look at me!"

I just had a great phone conversation with my (awesome) mom. She has discovered Facebook, as so many have. It is so fun to see her having such a good time with it. I love having a mom who is also my best friend! We have fun together and have good chats about nothing, like friends so often do, just because we like talking to each other.

I hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy some peaceful summertime activities with people they love. This is what makes life enjoyable and what makes all the "not so pleasant" stuff that is also part of life worth putting up with. Thank goodness, with the summer about half over, there are still a few things planned to look forward to: a couple theatre excursions, a trip to Chicago for the Harry Potter exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry with Sherri and J.T., a few books in the "to read" stack and more things that we don't even know about yet.

I wonder what the holiday weekend has in store for us....

Summer Fun!

This week has been full of lots of things. In the past week, we:

1. Took Goliath to spend Fathers' Day with my parents (sweat a lot at a reception for the retiring Bishop of the Diocese of Owensboro, KY and at a BG HotRods - minor league baseball- game and while walking down to my dad's garden to harvest peas and blackberries).

2. Returned home to our hot house (no A/C since last Wed.) and slept in the basement to try to keep cool. It was cooler, but very humid! The A/C system was new in Sept., 2006 and replaced the original system for our 41 year old house. After much time, "discussion" with the A/C company here that installed it and $1600, we have a working system again. I feel like I was over a barrel, since we chose a Lennox system after much research on David's part and now I am stuck because this company is the only Lennox dealer in town and the part needed (NOT the labor or the 11 pounds of freon I needed TWICE, just the part) was covered by warranty, so they were the people who needed to do the work. I had the support of a couple of my "guardian angels", Ann and John Hancock, who came and helped me talk to the company and try to understand why it was supposedly fixed on Monday, but Tuesday morning, it was still 82 degrees in the house. Also, I learned that the new systems (including any system installed from now on) will use the 410-A freon, which is $30 per pound now, but will decrease in price as it becomes the standard in 2010.

3. To avoid our hot house, after our dentist appointments Monday morning, we went to meet a friend for lunch at Sonic and then over to see "Up". We all enjoyed it, I think.

4. Vacation Bible School was each evening this week from 6 to 8:30. That made for grumpy boys when I tried to wake them up at 7:30 to start a new day, or, as was the case on Tuesday, to jump into the car to chase an escaped beagle into a neighboring subdivision, only to give up and 30 minutes later hear Davey yell, "Mommy, he's back!" Goliath's escape route has been sealed, but we are not taking any chances and when he is outside alone, he is on 48' of chain.

5. VBS has been fun, inspiring and tiring. Davey is a Big Kid now, so he is in a different group than Max and I. This was Max's first year to be old enough to participate. Much better than last year, since I didn't have to spend the week in the oncology unit with a re-diagnosis of lymphoma. The boys got into the Bible stories and the music. Lots of awesome and supportive friends there, too.

6. Davey began golf clinic on Wednesday. If he decides this is something he likes, he wants a set of clubs for his birthday and he can join the golf team at school in a couple years.

7. I met a gal this week who had heard I was a widow and told me she was, too. Her husband committed suicide 4 years ago, when their son was 15 months old. She could really speak from experience about what I live daily. She and I compared stories and she shared her joy with getting remarried 3 weeks ago and her (new) husband has adopted her son. She told me to call her anytime I need an ear. God puts people in our lives to help us; in my case, MANY, MANY people!

We have had a busy week this week and I am thinking next week will seem boring by comparison! That's OK, really. Some time at the YMCA water park, a haircut and lunch with a friend and Independence Day... where did June go!?!!?!?

Please continue to pray for my dear friend, Tena and her family as they battle her dad's very aggressive thyroid cancer. They need strength and prayers.

Goliath- Take 2

Yesterday, I collected the boys (Davey has been doing a YMCA day camp this week which he LOVES!!) and we headed out on a trip to an undisclosed location. As we crossed the Ohio River into Indiana, they said, "Hey, Mommy, were are we going?"

"To Indiana."

"Why?"

"Because I need to go to a store up here."

So as we pulled into the parking lot, they acted very confused. We walked into PetSmart and the foster mom met us there. The boys had a blast playing with Bagel the beagle, who we have rechristened Goliath. We brought him back over the river to his new home. Traffic was yucky, since it was rush hour, but Goliath climbed from the back with the boys to settle into the seat next to me in the front, looking out the window and laying down to relax.

This morning, after a night in his crate, he was ready to play and see the boys. When we left to drop the boys off, I put him out in the back yard, after ensuring that the gates were securely closed. When I returned, Goliath was nowhere to be found. I got back in the car with his favorite squeaky toy, a rubber wine bottle, and was leaning out the window squeaking away. Before I even reached the next door neighbor's driveway, Goliath came bounding over to me. We came in the house and all is now well. He is snoring away in his crate (door open, he just really likes his bed!).

The other excitement around here is our A/C unit. Before our vacation, I noticed there was a message on the screen of the thermostat saying it needed a system check-up. I called and arranged for them to come when it was convenient for me (after vacation and the professional development I was attending on Mon. and Tues. this week. Little did I know how bad it was. There is a leak associated with the coil. The part is under warranty, but the labor and 11 pounds of freon are not. So, after $192 yesterday there will be an additional $725 to be paid for the completion of the job on Monday. Between vacation expenses and nearly $1000 for the A/C, we will be trying to find cheap entertainment for awhile!!! It was 80 degrees in our house last night, even with the windows open. The boys were OK and I slept without covers, but tonight, I think we will be in the basement on the futon!

Thanks for all the positive, supportive comments from so many people. I don't think I am all that "amazing" or "inspirational", but it is nice to know that people enjoy and find comfort in my ramblings.

My best to all of my "readers"!

A Well Deserved Vacation!

Whew! We arrived home on Sunday from a week in Mexico Beach, Florida with my mom and dad and my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. This was our 5th time to rent the same house on the beach (and we already have it reserved for a week NEXT summer) and it is so nice to know exactly how the house is laid out and equipped. Sherri (the best sis-in-law EVER!) and I split the groceries (we try to take as much of the non-perishables as possible with us and purchase the rest at the WalMart in Panama City.

We had a fantastic time with the sand, water, seafood and a little shopping at the little boutiques we always visit. We prepare "simple" meals, such as baked french toast with fresh blackberries and peaches, scallop pizza and artichoke hearts and scallops with spinach with risotto. We are so thankful for my mom's culinary genius, although the scallop pizza was Sherri's and my creation!

The 3 boys had the best time with the water. Davey doesn't yet know how to swim, but he was out in the surf nearly constantly, both with a tube and without. Max, on the other hand, was seen "beating up" the waves with his fist and growling at them when they crashed on the sand... too funny! J.T. had to be coaxed some days to go out in the water, but he was a big fan, too.

The boys (along with Uncle Fuzzy- my brother, John) built a large sand castle complete with moat that lasted all week. Each morning, they would want to see how much the waves had left in the moat. My mom taught the 3 boys to do drizzle turrets on the side of the castle.

One highlight was a nighttime crab walk. We saw (and caught) many ghost crabs (the white ones prolific on the Gulf coast. J.T. loved to growl at them (perhaps this is where the growling came from!?!?) and Max just kept finding them in the beam of the flashlight and saying, "There's aNOTHER one!"

It was so wonderful to see the cousins together. When I was growing up, I didn't see my cousins (I have 11 of them) very often, so I never developed a really close relationship with them, so I am so thrilled to see this friendship grow between Davey and Max and J.T. (my boys are the only first cousins he has, but he has a lot of extended family in TX). Since August, Davey, Max and J.T. have seen each other in Aug., Nov., April and June and now we have another trip (to Chicago) scheduled in July!!! Yippee!!!

We keep encountering more "firsts"- first trip back to the beach without David, first Fathers' Day without Daddy, etc. We keep plugging along, trying to recollect and share memories from past times WITH David. We talked about him when we ate his favorite beach meal, flying his kite in the Florida breeze and commenting on Davey doing exactly what David would do at the beach- float out on the waves forever. He does live on in our memories!

On a sad note, please pray for my friend, Tena's Dad. He has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and today, they met with the surgeon who told them that it is inoperable and it is very aggressive. Chemo and radiation seem to be the protocol, but that will only serve to slow things down a little. Pray for peace for Tena and her family and for insight for the doctors and researchers searching for a cure for this evil disease that doesn't seem to leave anyone untouched by it.


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I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.
-Elie Wiesel


Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.
-Erik H. Erikson

Pitiful? Pensive? Promising?

I was just trying to sleep and all these thoughts were running through my head. So, I decided that if I couldn't sleep, I may as well try to process these thoughts and the way I precess best is by either talking to someone (too late at night for that!) or writing. I have been oscillating between being hopeful, inspiring (as others have dubbed me) and optimistic one day (or moment) and completely pitiful, sorrowful and discouraged the next. From all my training in counseling in graduate school and reading since August, I know this is what one experiences when grieving. I know one day, I will not feel so lonely and that after an evening with friends, I will not go home feeling like 3/4 of a family, with a piece missing. But, tonight (and many nights) I feel like just that... like I have a piece missing.

I have been thinking this weekend about what a wonderful man David was and how blessed and lucky I was to be married to him for 12 years. I absolutely HATE that Max (and Davey, to some degree) will not know what an amazing man his Daddy was and how respected and well liked he was, what a hard worker he was, what a team player he was, how he came to be a spiritual man through many years of soul searching, how generous and giving, how calm and forgiving. I was the lucky woman to find him for my own, if only for a short time.

A friend at work told me once, when talking about our respective marriages, that hers was not a pleasant experience, in the least. She said, "Jen, better to have had 12 years of a good marriage than 30 years of crap!" I know no marriage is perfect and that there were times either David or I was frustrated with the other, but we always worked it out and we made each other the best selves we could be. I think that "best self" is what I owe David to strive to be. I have such a hard time some days doing that. I yell at the boys, I put what I want to do before what they want or need. There is no other adult in the house to take over when I am lagging, so I need to be the best I can be.

My biggest fear when they told us David was sick was that I didn't want to be a single parent. I now have no choice and I am so glad that the summer is almost here so I can devote more time to putting the pieces together and turn the 3 of us into a solid, cohesive unit that feels more complete as it is. When David died, the school year was just beginning and I am grateful for the business that comes with the beginning of the school year, a distraction that allowed me to grieve at a more "relaxed" pace, for lack of a better term. I didn't feel like I could just curl up and sulk and feel pitiful. I did some of that at intermittent times throughout the past nearly 10 months, combined with feeling a continued purpose with my students and my amazing kids. My grief was still fully felt, but perhaps a bit muted by my feeling of continued purpose. I wonder sometimes if it is easier for widows who have been married for longer and have more memories on which to reflect an in which to find comfort, or whether it is easier for those of us who still have really full and busy lives and have our kids at home to keep us focused and distracted. The hardest thing to endure, either way.

I feel like God has a plan for my future and that of my little boys. That is why I chose the scripture verse for David's grave marker which is also one I wear on a bracelet every day: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Some would endure this experience and feel called to question God, "Why me? Why did you have to take MY loved one?!" I know there is no reason it happened, there is no reason it should happen to someone else and NOT me. Many, I am sure would lose their faith or believe that this is validation for not believing. I feel like the ONLY way I am going to endure this is with my faith and with the help of those God has placed in my life to hold me up and help me along.

I guess there will come a time when someone comes into our lives and seems to be a candidate to join our 3/4 trying to be whole, but I wonder if I can get that lucky twice in one lifetime. My boys deserve a consistent positive male influence in their lives. I am grateful every day for my dad, my neighbors and friends for the way they have risen to the occasion to offer to provide back-up for me when trying to teach an important lesson or simply provide discipline. There are and will be coaches, scout leaders and fathers of friends who will teach them many important things that I will not be as effective at teaching... sometimes moms aren't the right ones to teach some things, like how to bait a hook or how to treat a young lady. I will give it my all, but they may hear it better from someone who isn't Mom.

I knew this would be therapeutic and worth the lost sleep. I imagine there are some who will read this that will cry (as I have) and some who will comment (please do!) I feel lonely sometimes, but I also feel so surrounded with love and support that the loneliness fades a bit. Thanks to all of you who offer prayers, hugs, support and distraction from my grief. It is appreciated and certainly needed. I wondered, when all the calls, cards and meals were pouring in back in August and into the fall just what the situation would be in the spring, summer and beyond. Some would still be there and I can't than those of you who are enough!

Time for a few hours of sleep, just a few days to go. God bless you all!