Today was a day in which I learned more about myself and about this grief process. I had an experience that showed me where I am in the process. In some ways, I am farther along than I thought, and in others, not as far as I would like to be. Today, I was struck hard by how much my life has changed since a couple years ago and how much I miss David. I realize nothing will bring him back and no one will ever replace him. Knowing this in my head for nearly 12 months and being struck so hard on a purely emotional level today, are entirely different things. I know the time will come when there is another person in my life, but I don't know that I am quite ready for it now.
I have learned there are some of the same things that I will look for that I did before... 15 years ago when I first started dating David, and some things that are different now in my circumstances which necessitate some different preferred characteristics. I will always love David and that will be intimidating to any potential suitor, I imagine. There is a huge difference between someone who is divorced who feels some control, perhaps, over their change in marital status and someone who has been widowed, who feels that the entire situation is and was completely beyond their control. Both people feel loss and grief, but the situations are a little different.
Right now, as the boys and I approach not only what would have been David's and my 13th anniversary on Monday, but also the first anniversary of his death, I again feel so amazed by the people who are still at our sides, grieving right with us. There are friends, as I expected, who have come and gone over the year and some who have never wavered in their support. I am so grateful and I am so thrilled to have all of our friends and family support us in so many ways.
I had a couple friends say to me today how strong and tough I have been and how proud they are of me. I can never hear this enough, it seems, because someone says it to me just at a time when I am doubting myself. I have Anne Murray's song, "I Am Woman" on my Ipod, just so I can sing (loudly) to it whenever I need a little boost. (Here is a little secret of mine: I used to stand on the hearth as a kid, hairbrush in hand, and sing that song at the top of my lungs. Little did I know what that song would come to mean to me as an adult!)
Never more than today have I felt that the boys and I can handle whatever the coming years will bring, whether we face them alone or with another person in our family.
Thanks again for the love and prayers! Please take a moment on August 9 to give thanks that we had David in our lives. I know I will!
3 years ago
3 comments:
Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
May you always feel God's presence with you, but especially during these difficult anniversaries.
Jennifer - You are a special woman and by the grace of God a strong woman to have gone through all you have. I am a lucky person to know you. I hope we can stay in touch in some way. I still want to do a movie, lunch, or whatever with you. I always feel like our friend time is rushed and that you might feel I've forgotten you, but I haven't. You are awesome. Your boys are awesome and you will make it through these coming days. I will continue to pray that you will see God's plan in all of this heartache. You had something very special and noone can take that away from you. God bless you and those precious boys.
God bless you on this day, I have been praying for you.
A McKinney teacher
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